Good news and bad news

I have to keep this brief for the pain, etc.

Good news:

• my brain is fine! There were no problems with the brain MRI. 
•   Lung nodules look the same from a month ago. 

• The orthopedic oncologist I am scheduled to see is world renowned.
• Doctors are increasing painkillers

Bad news:

•  The sarcoma in my leg is so large that it isn't clear from MRI where it ends.

•  I will be in hospital at least till Friday, possibly getting admitted to Cooper Hospital in NJ.
•  I have a fever.
•  I am in pain.
• The ct scan of my lungs was really tough. The dye IV burst and got stuck all over my hand.
• I lost 10 lbs since the beginning of August. I am having a very tough time eating, because of pain, drugs, and unappealing food.

Current plan:

• Continue pain management
• Go to radiation set up tomorrow
• Take an ambulance to ortho onc in nj on Friday.

I appreciate visitors and texts. Phone calls are trickier if I am out of it or busy with hospital people.

If you want to "do  something":

• Bring On the funny & distracting.
• Research orthopedic oncologists, particularly related to insurance, if possible.
• Come visit, or someone can work out a schedule for visits.
• Check in, support my caregivers, especially Athena, Ken, my parents and siblings.

nobody likes me

it is hard to be trying to get folks to be in my art therapy groups at the hospital. no one wants to even talk to me. i hate it. i don't know what to do. i feel really down. i get hopeless that i won't be able to get patients and then i won't be able to graduate. it is pretty lame. sometimes i feel like i'll help people more if i was a janitor or a receptionist. i mean, at least then i'd be doing something aside from just sitting there.

surreal landscape

i never know what to say, but i'm trying to put things into words. since no one else reads these words, it is a helpful place to start.

it is late and i just stepped outside to find my cat, bunk. i don't like for him to spend the night outdoors, but he whined and cried at the door and i felt compelled to let him out a few hours ago.

outside the air is thick and humid and orange with the light from the streetlights being reflected in the suspended droplets of water in the air. there are yellow flashes from the lightening bugs. i want to walk for a while in my neighborhood because it feels like a cartoon-version of the real thing. even more real because the odd lighting makes me aware of every small detail.

dance party

today was the graduation dance party for the youth at my internship site. those kids sure can dance! we couldn't open the windows because the music was too loud, so the room got quite hot. when i went outside to cool off, i was shocked at how cool the air felt. when i returned to the party room, i almost gagged at the sweaty, stinky smell of adolescence.

and i am

i've been having a hard time being sociable lately. i think it is because my current internship requires me to be talking to lots of people all day long. i am in school to be an art therapist, but i really don't know that being a therapist is a reasonable or effective profession for me. i am perhaps too introverted to really feel comfortable talking and listening to strangers all day long. it exhausts me. i come home and i have nothing left to say.

since moving to philly in september, i miss my friends in portland, oregon. i miss so many people and i feel unable to really connect with them. i feel like i am translating my philly experiences so that those folks understand what i am doing. i feel often that i translate my oregon experiences so that the folks here know what i did. i don't feel like i fit in here exactly.

this space is to help me connect with folks in a way that may not be so overwhelming as conversation over the phone can be for me. i'll talk about my delightful thesis-to-be, my internship (only 4 more weeks!), school, dating, and what-not.